Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
