The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
