White coat. Heels.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
