Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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