Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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