Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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