So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i now understand why vodka
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
