I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
