I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
