I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
