Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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