I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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