Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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