when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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