I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
