dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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