Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
