her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
