My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Randomize
