You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
