There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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