Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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