God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
