don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
