Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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