I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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