I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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