We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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