Will you blow on my dice?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
