Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
