The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i drank out of a bidet.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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