the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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