you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
