I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
