I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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