It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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