this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
