oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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