I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
