I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
