I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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