if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
