Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
