This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I wish there were birth control emojis
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
