u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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