i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
