come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
