why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
