so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
