hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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