So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
