Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
